No going back

I've been thinking about something I hear a lot from people exploring this. It's something I said to myself, many times. We often talk about falling in and out of it as if it's a state we can enter and leave. We say things like, "I got it for a while, but then I lost it," or "Sometimes I'm in oneness, and other times I feel separate again." I want to share some thoughts on why this might not be quite accurate.

First, it's important to understand that this perception of coming and going is very normal. Our minds are used to categorizing experiences, putting them in neat little boxes labeled "this" or "that." So when we have a profound realization about our true nature, it's natural to think of it as a distinct state that we can be "in" or "out" of.

But once you've recognized it, there really is no going back. You can't un-see what you've seen. You might try to deny it, you might get caught up in old patterns of thinking, but at some level, you'll know. And you will find your way back to it every time, it's inescapable.

Some experiences seem to bring us closer to this. People often talk about feeling one with everything during intense meditation, psychedelic breakthroughs, self-inquiry, orgasm or even just as they're falling asleep. These moments can feel like a convergence of two worlds - the everyday world of separate things and the underlying reality of oneness. It's just a story, like every other. Even when you're fully engaged in the "dream world" of everyday life - talking to people, going about your day - you're not actually separate from it at all. It might feel like you're completely lost in the simulation, but this is still there, underlying everything. In that sense, every experience, no matter how profound, is merely a trip, a mind-originated distraction from remembering what is.

You might be thinking, "But I definitely feel more aware of it sometimes and less aware other times." And that's valid - our attention does shift and change. But what we are talking about is always present, right here, before any objections arise. So if you let that attention shift from the story of “not getting it” for a moment, you’ll find yourself again exactly where you wanted to be. This is why I say there's no going back. This recognition isn't something you achieve and then have to maintain. You might have moments where you feel you've lost it, where you're desperately trying to get back to it but old beliefs or ways of being come in the way. But these are attempts at denial, and are themselves arising in that same vast space we're somehow seeing. The very act of trying to escape is happening within that which you're trying to escape from.

Now, this doesn't at all mean you'll always feel blissful or that you'll never get caught up in the drama of life. You absolutely will! But underneath all of that, there's a knowing that can't be shaken. It's self-propelled, not relying on your constant effort to keep it going. You are more reliant on it than it on you.

So if you're reading this and thinking, "But I really do feel like I lose it sometimes," that's okay. That feeling is also part of the play. The invitation is to look at what is there when you don't name what's missing. Is it a particular feeling? A certain kind of thought? Or is it something more fundamental, something that's aware of both the presence and absence of those feelings and thoughts? The very act of trying to pin down whether you were "in" or "out" at any given moment is just another thought, another movement in your mind. In fact it might be your main barrier to seeing clearly.

Remember, you can't lose what you essentially are. You can only temporarily forget where you started. You might need a boost to help you snap out of that thought maze you're jumbling yourself into again. Feel free to reach out, I'll be happy to remind you.

These are just my reflections, of course. Your journey with recognizing and living from this will be unique to you. But if there's one thing I'd encourage, it's this: trust the motion that's already here. It's not something you need to achieve or maintain. It's not something you will ever grasp. You need no new knowledge and no providence. It's more where you are from, and where you'll always go back. You can only go deeper into it.